Relationships or Situationships – Which is Trending?

You’re probably thinking that the headline is a bit harsh.  I have to ask as it seems everything in life is measured by “likes”, follows and what’s trending.  We’re in the cyber/virtual era where everything is now available online. There is literally an app for almost everything that can make our lives easier.  An application does most of the work for us.

I can say it’s the same for Relationships.  There are dating apps and love match apps for everyone and anyone!  Are we still out here taking the time to know each other?  Understanding what we require from a partner, understanding what we even want for ourselves before we start a relationship?

Do we communicate anymore?  That’s actually the meaning and essence of a relationship: communication which leads to a connection between two people involving romance and sex. 

Have we become so afraid of commitment?  Is it the internet trends opening us up to see what else is out there to explore, that we cheat, lie and hurt the person we love or claim to love?   

What is making us sell our mansions of morals and standards to downgrade to a studio filled with one-night stands, secret hookups, and “friends with benefits”?  Why has the urge to make a relationship work become so lackluster? 

Kudos and my biggest respect to those of you who are keeping your relationship intact.  You pay attention to each other, you learn to deal with each other and your differences, you communicate, you show each other respect in your presence and otherwise. 

You openly display your love for each other to the world because there is nothing to hide or be ashamed of, you influence each other to be the best version of your individual selves, you are never abusive, belittling or condescending.

You just LOVE and I admire and congratulate you.  I know it cannot be easy with all of the adversities thrown at you making it hard AF to stay afloat.  These are the qualities of people in a healthy RELATIONSHIP. 

Then there are some of us who are “not about that life”.  We rode TF out of that RELATIONSHIP wave only to end up with emotional and physical bruises, addictions, abuse, high divorce bills, custody battles, jail time (in some cases), restraining orders.  WHEW!  The list is long and filled with all the negative things that a broken relationship left us with.

Or maybe it was just amicable and you both decided it just wasn’t meant to be.  No drama.  Now what?  Did we make personal vows to NEVER get caught slipping with our hearts again?  Absolutely!  

So now it’s time for a SITUATIONSHIP.  Not quite a relationship.  No definition or direction as to what our sexual encounters may lead to.  No expectations, no commitments, we like each other, we vibe, you do you and I do me. 

Psychotherapist JONATHAN ALPERT best describes it as “that space between a committed relationship and something that is more than a friendship”. 

R&B singer VICTORIA MONET best describes it as a “Friend U Can Keep”.

However you look at it, I know some of us get into situationships as I mentioned from past failed relationships, not wanting to get into matters of the heart, while some of us just DON’T want to be held down by the relationship labels.

Don’t want your sexual preferences defined by text book’s or society’s idea of how you should or should not live your life with modern “acceptable” conditions and norms.  Even taboos.  No judgment here! 

Both require some sort of connection, however, I can’t say if communication is key for the latter.  If you have to say “it’s complicated” every time your friends ask what’s exactly going on.  It’s a Situationship. 

Are you giving that person all of the perks, rights, and respect that come with being exclusive to each other as if you’re in a relationship?  It’s like an outlet for sex and a momentary emotional connection. “We’re just chilling” or “we’re cool”. 

Here comes the toxicity.  You guys broke up or were never in a relationship but are still maintaining a sexual situationship.  When asked why? 

• To keep the “body count” (number of sexual partners) down.
•  Familiarity.  Don’t want to start seeing anyone new, familiar sex is better than no sex or new sex might be disappointing.
• The sex was bomb AF, that was the only good thing about the relationship, they get to hold onto that as a placemat until someone moves on. 
• Don’t want to commit to anything long-term, but don’t want to be alone at the same time.
• Financial Stability.  He takes care of me in every way.  I get what I want without commitment.  He can do as he pleases as long the checks keep coming in. 
• I’m in the “friendzone” and I love it here!  Late-night calls listening to their problems, holding hands, hugs and kisses, ghosted for weeks but they resurface and the love is back like it never left. 
• The excitement of the TOXIC SEX.  Knowing it’s wrong, you don’t belong to each other but only for THAT moment, you can pretend.
•  Don’t want their kids to be without both parents.  They’re sticking around for the kids, but sticking to each other in the meantime.
• Holding out.  Silent exclusivity.  Hoping that it will evolve into a real RELATIONSHIP.

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Are these reasons enough to bring happiness into your life?  Are you respecting and loving yourself enough to let this person know that you are worth MORE?  I’m no relationship expert but I don’t think they are. 

From past experiences, I can identify with a few of these reasons, after my divorce I was a shell.  Empty and void of any feeling.  I didn’t want to be a part of anything involving my heart. 

We can be open to love again on this journey if we take the time to love ourselves, heal from past traumas, identify toxic triggers from the past, work on our self-esteem, respect ourselves and learn to be more vocal about our intentions.  Sometimes we get so enraptured, we ignore red flags, causing us to neglect our values and beliefs. 

If we have to vilify ourselves to appear “good” in their eyesight, that too is a red flag.  You should be authentic and free to express your true selves with each other.  Anyone who wants to hide you in the shadows isn’t willing to commit to loving you for the long haul, but just seeking temporary pleasures, does not truly care about your heart or has your best interest.  So which trend do you want to be a part of?  #teamrelationships or #teamsituationships

I’d love to hear from you. Leave me a comment about your experiences.  We are learning from each other.

XOXO

“If your love for another person doesn’t include loving yourself, then your love is incomplete”

SHANNON L ALDER